I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
man: wait
time: no
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u