I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*