No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My dog learned how to text
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!