I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
british sex workers really pound for pound
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.