Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I have so many questions.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”