My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
A dad and his duck
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy