You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
WTF
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.