Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.