Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I told my vodka about you.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?