You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
From Facebook just now…
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher