[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.