If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You Might Also Like
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
the world’s most popular steaming services
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap