Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
im all 3
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Not today, today.
Not today.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.