[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.