*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
good morning
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.