HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?