Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”