“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
spot the difference
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.