[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
CRYING
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*