I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828