See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then