Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.