Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.