Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate