I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Customer is always right
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.