[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
saw this in a dream