Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.