[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this