This is me
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.