saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I need this for my side hustle.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish