the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You Might Also Like
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit