It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Not my job 😂
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
kevin is now a local weatherman
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Sing it!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work