You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Ugh but profoundly
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.