What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Beware of fowl play.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door