While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.