me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.