Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
You Might Also Like
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I bet
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are