“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat