me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Happy Thanksgiving
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Do not levitate over flowers
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work