Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july