I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?