Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me too 😆
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
good morning
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.