Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.