Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The government even made aliens boring
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess