You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
You Might Also Like
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My wife gives the best headache.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.