My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED