I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*