I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
You Might Also Like
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?