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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Saturday
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.