[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
just left a huge legacy in there
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.